If anybody finds themselves wondering, “Why the hell are you sharing so much with the world about this thing that should be so private?” – it helps me feel and figure out where I am in the process. I’m also hoping that other people that might be going through something similar can see it and connect to it – and that it helps them know that they’re not alone, and that they can get through it. I believe that we’re all here to elevate and help each other, after all.
I’m feeling a little better today. I cleaned my boveda and am prepping it for mom’s picture and ashes. I’ve already placed her charm bracelet, her engagement ring and one of her rings with a wonderfully fiery opal on it in memory of her. I’ll be going up in a day or two with the boyfriend to pick up my share of mom from my stepfather. I picked up a large green tropical plant for her as well. She always loved having the house full of plants. I also found the perfect cremains pendant to keep her in, which pleases me greatly. Things have changed a great deal in the crematory jewelry department since my friend Bear passed in 1998. There’s a surprising variety of very tasteful pendants available to those who wish to wear the ashes of those who have passed on. For me it’s more of a selfish comfort than an ‘honoring of ancestors’ kinda thing. I always want to feel mom near me. I always feel closer to Bear when I’m wearing the heart medication capsule that his widow put his ashes in for me.
Members of my extended Santeria family came by and took me to lunch today to help me get away and thing of other things for awhile. It helped greatly, and the burger and dessert was delicious. Everybody’s been very wonderful with the support. I want to thank you all. I just finished my first workout since mom passed and that’s also helping. Unfortunately, I suffered a hellish migraine and weeping last night. I think that this was mostly due to the fact that while I have been tearing up and crying from time to time, I haven’t completely lost it griefwise over mom no longer being reachable in the way I’m used to reaching her. I have a lot of tension, frustration and anguish stored up that needs to be released. I kinda want to run to the top of a mountain and have a good, long cathartic scream that just echoes eerily through the valley below. It’d end up being a bonus if the locals thought that I sounded like a strange alien many-tentacled birdthing descended from the icy depths of space to devour their planet. And mom would find it hilarious as well.
Did I mention that she started reading Poe at age four and was an enormous HP Lovecraft fan?