SciFi Saturday Night Movie Review: BLOODSUCKERS

Chief and I sat down to watch this abysmal thing last night, because there was nothing else on.

Base plot: There are these people, see. They hunt vampires, and ride around in a ship in space looking for vampires to destroy. There are apparently many classes of vampires throughout the known universe, but because this movie was so difficult to actually watch all the way through, we couldn’t be sure exactly how many. With names like Leatherface and such, the sky is apparently the limit, however.

Out of the main character roster, you have a plucky young buck who has just joined this happy ragtag crew of adventurers, but he doesn’t ‘have the stomach’ for such high falutin, vampire killin’ shenanigans. The cap’n, an annoying older ‘Wally’ type, to the kid’s ‘the Beav’ type, is a shaky role model at best, and dies fairly quickly in the beginning. There’s also a vampire in the killing crew, but she’s one of the ‘good ones’. Or, at least she’s a betrayer that enjoys hunting down her own kind with filthy human pigs that treat her like crap because she subsists on blood. She’s the only eye candy in the movie, which really isn’t saying much.

Enter Woe – crew blames the kid for ‘leavin’ the cap’n behind to get et up by vampires’, goes their separate ways – or tries, and picks up some blonde bimbo up from a mining colony on *cough* planet that’s been infested with vamps. There was this segment where the kid and the blond end up talking, but at this point Chief just started fast forwarding to the end. Michael Ironside plays a bad guy, BIG surprise, and at the end *GASP* the captain turns out to be the major bad guy behind everything. Shocker. Lots of fighting, platitudes and arguing – then the ‘good guys’ win and ride off into the nearest sun.

All in all, it’s everything I’ve come to expect from the SciFi Saturday Night Feature – only that the Jean Claude VanDamme knockoff actor was nowhere to be seen, which was unusual. He’s been in most of the crap movies that come on saturday nights.

To sum up: The movie was mildly entertaining for about a half an hour before the twitching set in and through the glory of TIVO, we sped up to the end.

I’m fairly certain that, had I been stoned and falling over, I would have enjoyed the movie somewhat more. Even moreso if ice cream had been involved.

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