Archive for September, 2010
“When a mad scientist attempts to revive the corpse of a deceased exotic dancer, his undead creation awakens with an uncontrollable lust for sexual encounters, but she has a difficult time hiding her otherworldly secrets from her lovers.”
Boobs in opening credits, check.
Creepy ‘Frankenstein’ font in opening credits, check.
Opening title song, Formaldehyde – lead singer sounds like he wants SO BADLY to be Lux Interior.
First thing I notice is that the ‘scientist’ in the opening scene is the same ‘male lead’ from The Hills Have Thighs. There is a comical ‘diagram’ on the blackboard that looks like a twelve year old drew it. Scientist turns around and, gasp, the only student in the tiny classroom that has about four desks in it is a scantily clad blonde. As the two ‘converse’, the scientist picks up a plastic brain from his desk and begins petting it like a dog. Apparently, everyone else in the class has left for ‘a pep rally for the Dean’s funeral’ – but Debbie has remained behind because she finds everything that the ‘professor’ says ‘fascinating’. And by ‘fascinating’, she means she’s interested in his ‘theories’ on ‘anatomy’. And thus begins the first ersatz sex scene of the movie – less than two minutes in.
At some point, the camera fades to the blackboard, and suddenly both of them are naked! SCIENCE!
A classmate bursts in on the pair and is shocked, SHOCKED to discover there’s SEX0RING happening in Victor Frankenstein’s class. He immediately reports to the dean/principle/whatever. The line “You and young Frankenstein have never gotten along.” is uttered and I’m shocked, SHOCKED at the Mel Brooks reference. The pair hotfoot it back to the classroom.
Scene change, focus on Debbie’s hand squeezing the plastic brain that professor boink boink was fondling earlier. The camera pulls back for more ‘hot, neural action’ before the administrator/guy with grey hair/dad and the angry young (ok, he looks thirty) student burst in on the amoral pair. “I can explain.” Suuure you can. Yes, getting caught boning the Dean’s daughter is easily explained.
“Fraternizing with the student body. My daughter’s student body no less!”
There is much verbal dressing down, and the professor, wearing a pair of glasses that would do Clark Kent proud, frowns like he’s gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Take your voodoo science somewhere else!” “You know, I think I’ll do just that. At least in Transylvania, they understand me.”
Five years, and one limp sexscene between the ‘good doctor’ and a Transylvanian milkmaid with a horrible accent later, the doctor is back in his shoddy laboratory. It’s like the Weekly World News of science laboratories.
Apparently the frankenstein girl on the table, ‘Eve’, has a ‘nice rack’ – which is not at all surprising. I have to say – the women in this aren’t nearly as busty as in the last flick. I can almost hear Russ Meyer sigh in disappointment.
Oops – during the ‘reanimation process’ the thin, filmy gauze covering frankenstein girl’s ‘assets’ has slid down. And yet, the experiment failed. Or did it? The writers/actors are trying so desperately to be funny, and are failing miserably. And yet, it’s actually funnier than The Hills Have Thighs. Maybe the actors are working hard at learning comedic timing.
The doctor leaves, defeated and ‘Eve’ rises, only to seduce the Transylvanian milkmaid.
Cut to Victor, upstairs as he looks at a scholastic gradeschool notebook with the words “How I did it” on the front. Another nod to Mel Brooks. If he wasn’t still alive, he’d be turning over in his grave. The book’s pages seem to have only one paragraph per page, and seem to be illustrated by the same tweleve year old that came up with the blackboard ‘diagram’ seen earlier in the film.
Victor falls asleep on the notebook, and the cameraman runs back downstairs for hot milkmaid on frankenstein monster girl action. Afterwards, the milkmaid runs up to retrieve the doctor who is thrilled to see that his creation, a tall woman that towers over the two of them, lives. After a brief ‘examination’ in which Eve kicks the doctor in the nuts for comedic effect, there is a fade to girl on girl shower action. Or, pseudo action, as the case may be.
Then it’s off to America on Carpathian Air so that Victor can attempt to humiliate his enemies. “They’ll see! And then they’ll be sorry!” Actually, it’s more along the lines of a Three’s Company sketch as he explains to the Transylvanian milkmaid, ‘We can pretend that she’s your sister, and then when everybody is completely fooled, BAM – won’t they be surprised!’ Oh, that Larry. He’ll fall for anything.
Cut to a scene in contemporary San Fernando, California (I’m guessing here, but I’m very likely correct)- the Dean, the snitch student and an older gentleman with a comical handlebar moustache are standing around, discussing Victor’s imminent return to the states. Apparently he has made a ‘grand discovery’ and intends to share it, but is being secretive. Martinis everyone!
At this point, I have to admit that the acting is a bit better in this than the last one.
Enter the man of the hour with his freakishly tall, completely normal looking frankengirl that happens to be tarted up like a psuedo goth and the Transylvanian milkmaid/’seester’. After what seems like an unusually long string of actual plot development, we’re back to the softdance, this time between the snitch student and the frankengirl.
I have to say, I’m supremely disappointed that they didn’t even make her look freaky. No stitches, no nothing.
Unfortunately, it was at this crucial juncture that I was no longer able to continue my suspension of disbelief and had to stop watching.